Catching Up: Best of 2005: January & February

Here's another installment in the continuing effort to distill the best postings from my personal mailing list. These are from January and February 2005. It was a big time for attacks on President Bush and his policies. I thought about editing them out more aggressively, but for future reference I decided to hold onto these reminders of the political climate of that time. * * * * * Why You Should Have Boycotted the 2004 Presidential Election Excerpt from S. Templeman & L. Mitchell, "Challenging the One-Size- Fits-All Myth: Findings and Solutions from a Statewide Focus Group of Rural Social Workers," Child Welfare, September/October 2002, pp. 757-772 (at p. 761, citations omitted): "A study by the Children's Rights Council [in 2000] ranked Texas 48th among states for raising children, down from 25th in 1995. The status of children in Texas lags far behind that in most other states. This places rural children in Texas among those Americans at greatest risk on numerous indicators of well-being. For example . . . Texas ranks 41st in the percentage of children in poverty and 50th in the number of children without health insurance. It also ranks 44th in the percentage of babies born to mothers who received early prenatal care and 48th in childhood immunizations for 2-year-olds. Texas is among the 10 worst states in the United States on most factors related to teen pregnancy. CDF found the teen birthrate among Texans to be 70.9 per 1,000; the national rate is 51.1" These may sound like reasons to have voted against George Bush in 2000, not to mention 2004. But since a majority did not do that, at least in 2004, the question arises whether the majority does not care about these indicators of child maltreatment in the state that George Bush governed. I think the majority does care. But I did not notice that these issues were front and center during the election. The process is broken. Instead of focusing upon the outcomes for hundreds of thousands (and in some instances millions) of Americans, the election process, for some years, has been fixated upon such questions as whether George Bush is smart, whether John Kerry flip- flops, whether Bill Clinton is a sleaze, whether Ronald Reagan was senile. Until we can have perfect candidates, these personal attacks are worse than useless. They are a positive distraction from what counts. And that is what our elections are all about now. They are a joke -- and so, in too many instances, is the person who becomes president. We can't expect to fix the process without acknowledging that it is broken. When we talk and act as though voting is a good thing, we endorse the process as it is. And that is, increasingly, a mistake. [The situation appears quite different, so far, in the 2008 campaign.] * * * * * Late-Night Political News from About.com "So the president doesn't read the papers. The only real information he gets he gets from his loyal aides and even when he goes to a town hall meeting, to meet the people, they have been pre-selected. Our president is living in the 'Truman Show'. Nothing happens around him that isn't planned. I don't even think he knows we're out here watching." --Jon Stewart "Did you hear about this? The U.S. is sending a top secret reconnaissance team into Iran. How secret can it be if a dumb ass like me knows about it?" --David Letterman "Some groups are calling on people to fast and pray on the day of Bush's inauguration to protest the re-election. That's not going to work. The people who fast and pray are the ones who voted him in. That's his audience." --Jay Leno "News from Washington -- Condoleezza Rice ... says there are no plans to invade North Korea, which can only mean one thing -- they don't have any oil." --Craig Ferguson "Traditionally the president's inaugural committee pays for these expenses; this time around it's stiffing the District of Columbia with a 12 million dollar security bill -- just their way of saying 'thank you' to the community that went nine-to-one for the president's opponent." --Jon Stewart "In an interview in USA Today, President Bush said he is not wasting any more money on programs that are not working. Well that's good news. I guess the war in Iraq is over." --Jay Leno "You know there was a bounty on Osama bin Laden -- $25 million and they have now doubled it. $50 million is the bounty on Osama bin Laden. And it makes sense because if you're a goat farmer in Tora Bora, $25 million just isn't going to get your attention." -David Letterman "How about this for a mystery? Over in Iraq, United States authorities have admitted that $9 billion is missing. They have misplaced $9 billion in Iraq. Wow. I am fairly confident they'll find it though. It's probably somewhere with the weapons of mass destruction." -David Letterman "President Bush said today he wants another $80 billion in Iraq funding. So when he said Iraq isn't free yet, he ain't kidding." -- Jay Leno "The president announced today new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan -- when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in." --Craig Ferguson "Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It's a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate - - superstar Mark McGwire -- with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it -- nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation - he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway." --Jimmy Kimmel "As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her." --Jay Leno "Today they announced the big winner of the Iraqi election -- Halliburton." --Jay Leno "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales started his first week on the job. Remember those two naked statues that John Ashcroft had covered up when he took the job? Well, they're naked again, but now they just have leashes around their necks." --Jay Leno "Everybody was commenting that Stephen Breyer was the only Supreme Court justice at the State of the Union. But it turns out that is not true. It turns out Justice Scalia was there. He was in Dick Cheney's pocket." --Jay Leno "In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "A Marine general who served in Iraq is in trouble this week for saying said it is fun to shoot people. Thanks to his remarks he now has now received a job at the LAPD." --Craig Ferguson "According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey "Bush's new budget proposals cut $1.1 billion from the federal food stamp program. I guess the president feels if rich people aren't going to get their full tax cut for a while, the poor people with food stamps should have to help out too." --Jay Leno "The U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp of Ronald Reagan today. I can't wait for the George W. Bush stamp. That's when your letter goes to Iraq for no reason and the stamp can't explain why." --Craig Ferguson "Right now President Bush is in Europe, he's in Germany, and he stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with 'Ich bin ein Frankfurter.'" --David Letterman "President Bush had dinner last night with the French President Jacques Chirac and in one, kind of awkward moment, President Chirac gave Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower and Bush said 'Oh this is great a little oil rig! I love it!'" --Jay Leno "President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, 'You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that.'" --Jay Leno "In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said 'That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'" --Conan O'Brien "It seems a friend of the Bush family, Doug Wead -- I think he's Linda Tripp's first husband if I'm not mistaken -- secretly taped a number of conversations. Bush admitted as a young man he smoked marijuana but he quit when it interfered with his drinking. ... Although he acknowledged trying marijuana, no one has come forward to verify they've actually seen him do marijuana, so it's like the National Guard thing all over again." --Jay Leno "Jeff Gannon ... He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals. ... He actually had two jobs -- one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute. ... I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate." --Bill Maher "Amid this stuff with Jeff Gannon what is our new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales doing as his first act of office -- going after the porn industry. ... Apparently this is the guy who is pro-torture but anti-porn. You can put somebody on a leash and wag wieners in his face but don't film it." --Bill Maher "The Bush administration is proposing a change in the social security system. They want to cut benefits in nearly a third in the next twenty or thirty years. The new program is called 'good luck grandma you're on your own.' You've fallen and you can get up." -Jay Leno "Here in New York, thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there said it was just like the Republican Convention, but with black people." --Conan O'Brien "As you know, Time magazine has named President Bush 'Person of the Year' -- quite an honor. Although I'm not sure Bush understands it. Like he said today, he can't decide if he wants the free travel alarm clock or the tote bag." --Jay Leno "The international space station is running low on food. They asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about this. And Rumsfeld said, you go to space with the food you've got, not the food you want." -- David Letterman "President Bush said that he is standing by Rumsfeld. And you know what that means, he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman "A lot of Americans are worried now. They say they can't rely on Social Security anymore. And you know something, they're right. If you want the government to pay for your housing and your food and your medical bills until your 80 or 90 years old you're just going to have to kill somebody and go live on death row because that's the only way it's going to happen." --Jay Leno * * * * * Top 50 Bushisms (abridged) 48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001 44. "I'm the commander - see, I don't need to explain - I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." -as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War 42. "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." -Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003 40. "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." -discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson 38. "Haven't we already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" -to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002 37. "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." -Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002 35. "Do you have blacks, too?" -to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001 32. "It is white." -after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001 31. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." -at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 27. "I'm the master of low expectations." -aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 26. "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." -aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 25. "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right." - Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001 21. "The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." - explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004 20. "My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." -radio address, Feb. 24, 2001 18. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." -Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003 11. "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." -after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004 9. "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." -to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004 8. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." -speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003 7. "We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." -Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003 4. "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." -Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 3. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB- GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." -Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 2. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 1. "My answer is bring them on." -on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003 * * * * * Bird Brains In a laboratory, when a crow named Betty was given metal wires of various lengths and a four-inch vertical pipe with food at the bottom, she chose a four-inch wire, made a hook and retrieved the food. ... Clark nutcrackers can hide up to 30,000 seeds and recover them up to six months later. Nutcrackers also hide and steal. If they see another bird watching them as they cache food, they return later, alone, to hide the food again. Some scientists believe this shows a rudimentary theory of mind - understanding that another bird has intentions and beliefs. Magpies, at an earlier age than any other creature tested, develop an understanding of the fact that when an object disappears behind a curtain, it has not vanished. At a university campus in Japan, carrion crows line up patiently at the curb waiting for a traffic light to turn red. When cars stop, they hop into the crosswalk, place walnuts from nearby trees onto the road and hop back to the curb. After the light changes and cars run over the nuts, the crows wait until it is safe and hop back out for the food. Pigeons can memorize up to 725 different visual patterns, and are capable of what looks like deception. Pigeons will pretend to have found a food source, lead other birds to it and then sneak back to the true source. Parrots, some researchers report, can converse with humans, invent syntax and teach other parrots what they know. Researchers have claimed that Alex, an African gray, can grasp important aspects of number, color concepts, the difference between presence and absence, and physical properties of objects like their shapes and materials. He can sound out letters the same way a child does. * * * * * Funny Definitions Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. Take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Catching Up: Best of 2004: June

Another installment in the continuing effort to distill the best postings from my personal mailing list. There were a lot of things that still seemed worthwhile, so I decided to take it one month at a time. So now I am up to whatever I posted there in June 2004. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Late-Night Political News from About.com "A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno "President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman "Attorney General John Ashcroft told Congress they shouldn't be asking him about the legality of the war until the war is over. And there's precedent for that — I think it's called the Nuremberg Trials." —Jay Leno "President Bush met with the Pope in Rome. Did you see the picture of the two of them? Man, that poor guy, he has a blank look on his face like he doesn't know where he is. Then, the Pope told him, just be quiet and relax." —David Letterman "Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman "According to the New York Times, last year White House lawyers concluded that President Bush could legally order interrogators to torture and even kill people in the interest of national security — so if that's legal, what the hell are we charging Saddam Hussein with?" —Jay Leno * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list! If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey & asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it! This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now ... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Clippings May 27, 2004 — Food additives are associated with symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), according to the results of a randomized trial published in the June issue of the Archives of Diseases in Childhood. "Almost every patient who is seen either in a family practice clinic or in specialty clinics does have something wrong with their sleep, and that if you address sleep problems, improvements can be made." Another interesting quote: "40% of respondents with insomnia had one or more psychiatric disorders vs. 16% of those with no sleep complaints." CALAIS, France (Reuters) -- Entrepreneur Richard Branson has set a new world record by driving across the English Channel in an amphibious sports car in under two hours. ... As the car drove up on to Calais' sandy beach, its windscreen wiper still going, a very wet but elated Richard Branson emerged. "A few big ferry waves engulfed us a bit, but it was rather refreshing," Branson said. "Its a remarkable car and it definitely gets a lot of smiles from people on the ferries." SAO PAULO, Brazil (AP) -- Go-go boys and drag queens waved rainbow- colored flags as hundreds of thousands of dancing revelers clogged a downtown avenue to celebrate gay pride on Sunday. Organizers said they expected 1.5 million people to attend the Eighth Annual Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans-gender Pride Parade, which would make it the world's biggest gay event. It is widely recommended that patients with back pain need to be encouraged to resume normal activities as soon as possible. There are two major types of behavioral anxiety-induction techniques; flooding and implosion. ... Implosion is ... anxiety-filled .... For example, in implosive sessions, snake-phobic clients have been told to imagine the following sequence: see the snake; pick up the snake; it is biting you; let it bite; feel the pain; it is crawling into your eye sockets and wiggling in there; now feel it wiggling inside your head. This technique is not used as frequently as it once was. [From Walborn, "Process Variables," pp. 149-150.] Mr. Ashcroft is very close to the gun lobby .... After 9/11, he ordered that all government lists — including voter registration, immigration and driver's license lists — be checked for links to terrorists. All government lists, that is, except one: he specifically prohibited the F.B.I. from examining background checks on gun purchasers. "I don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God." -President George Bush The David Letterman Scholarship was established by David Letterman in 1985 to provide scholarships for telecommunications students at Ball State University. The awards are intended for average students who nevertheless have a creative mind. Winners are selected primarily based on creativity. Projects may involve a variety of media, including written work, research, audio, video, graphics and film. The winner receives a $10,000 scholarship. The first runner-up receives $5,000. The second runner-up receives $3,333. Highly educated people may call themselves independents, but when it comes to voting they tend to pick a partisan side and stick with it. College-educated voters are more likely than high-school-educated voters to vote for candidates from the same party again and again. ... Once you've joined a side, the information age makes it easier for you to surround yourself with people like yourself. And if there is one thing we have learned over the past generation, it's that we are really into self-validation. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Ronald Reagan Quotes "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting." "Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries." "I don't know. I've never played a governor." –asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be "Facts are stupid things." –at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things" "Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." "Trees cause more pollution than automobiles." "All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk." "The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity." –responding to student protests on college campuses during his tenure as California governor "Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources." "We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed." "What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice." "How are you, Mr. Mayor? I'm glad to meet you. How are things in your city?" –greeting Samual Pierce, his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, during a White House reception for mayors "My name is Ronald Reagan. What's yours?" –introducing himself after delivering a prep school commencement address. The individual responded, "I'm your son, Mike," to which Reagan replied, "Oh, I didn't recognize you." "Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing." "What does an actor know about politics?" –criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy * * * I also received the following remarks about Reagan in cartoon format: He tripled the national debt, but he had such *charisma*! He supported apartheid, but he was *always* personable! He backed Saddam, but he made us feel *good* about ourselves! He crushed worker rights, but he was someone you could sit down and have a beer with! Star Wars turned out to be an expensive fantasy, but he had that *infectious optimism*! He backed death squads throughout Central America, but he always looked for the best in everyone. He looked the other way when Salvadoran allies raped American nuns, but he had that *self-deprecating humor*! He confused old movies with foreign policy, but he was always *quick with a joke*! He traded arms for hostages and diverted money to drug-running death squads, but he never lost his *sunny disposition*! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * White House Report President George W. Bush's increasingly erratic behavior and wide mood swings has the halls of the West Wing buzzing lately as aides privately express growing concern over their leader's state of mind. ... Worried White House aides paint a portrait of a man on the edge, increasingly wary of those who disagree with him and paranoid of a public that no longer trusts his policies in Iraq or at home. ... In interviews with a number of White House staffers who were willing to talk off the record, a picture of an administration under siege has emerged, led by a man who declares his decisions to be "God's will" and then tells aides to "fuck over" anyone they consider to be an opponent of the administration. ... Aides who raise questions quickly find themselves shut out of access to the President or other top advisors. Among top officials, Bush's inner circle is shrinking. Secretary of State Colin Powell has fallen out of favor because of his growing doubts about the administration's war against Iraq. ... God may also be the reason Attorney General John Ashcroft, the administration's lightning rod because of his questionable actions that critics argue threatens freedoms granted by the Constitution, remains part of the power elite. West Wing staffers call Bush and Ashcroft "the Blues Brothers" because "they're on a mission from God." "The Attorney General is tight with the President because of religion," says one aide. "They both believe any action is justifiable in the name of God." But the President who says he rules at the behest of God can also tongue-lash those he perceives as disloyal, calling them "fucking assholes" in front of other staff, berating one cabinet official in front of others and labeling anyone who disagrees with him "unpatriotic" or "anti-American." ... The White House did not respond to requests for comment on the record. [Note: President Bush won re-election five months after this article was published.] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Senior Leaders Call for End of Bush Presidency WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The Bush administration's foreign policy in Iraq and elsewhere has been a "disaster," and President Bush should not be re-elected, a group of former diplomats and military leaders say in a newly released statement. ... A statement from the group notes its more than two dozen members include Democrats and Republicans who have "served every president since Harry S. Truman." They contend Bush's foreign policy has failed at "preserving national security and providing world leadership." Members expressing their opposition in the statement are former senior diplomatic, national security and military officials. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Laughter for Healing Studies have shown that patient satisfaction correlates with the length of visits and the emotional tone of medical encounters. When patients think that they have connected with the physician, they are more satisfied with their care and are more likely to follow the doctor's advice. Gross et al found that patients feel less rushed if physicians spend even a brief time chatting with them. ... A recent study examined patient-physician communication as it relates to malpractice risks. Primary care physicians with no history of malpractice claims differed from those who had experienced claims in three areas - physicians with no claims history spent more time with patients, used facilitative statements more often, and relied on laughter and humor more often during their encounters than did physicians who had been sued for malpractice. ... The term gallows humor describes a type of morbid humor that people use in the face of tragedy or death. ... A recent study found that experienced paramedics do not share their work-related humor with family and friends for fear that it will not be understood. Consequently, it is important that patients be shielded from this type of medical humor so that they do not misinterpret the laughter as cruel or uncaring. ... Naftulin et al found that "student" ratings could be influenced by a teacher's style. In their study, an actor was enlisted to lecture to a group of mental health professionals. The actor was coached to use humor to make the presentation enjoyable, even though the lecture included double-talk and contradictory statements. The participants rated the speaker highly despite the lack of substance in the presentation. ... Ziv studied the effects of humor during a 14-week statistics course for college students. The subject matter and teacher for both the control and experimental groups were identical, except that the teacher included the use of humor in the experimental group. At the end of the course, on the final examination, the students who were exposed to humor performed significantly better than the group with which humor was not used. Ziv emphasized that humor works best in small doses-usually four or five jokes or cartoons per lecture-and that the humor should be relevant to the material taught. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Of all the blunders American military leaders have made in Iraq, one of the least talked about is how they succeeded in arming the insurgents. By the time of the coalition invasion, Iraq had one of the largest conventional arms stockpiles in the world. ... The marines I was embedded with — a forward reconnaissance unit at the front of the initial invasion — were stunned by the sheer amounts of weaponry they saw as we raced across some 400 miles to Baghdad. Along much of the route, Iraqi forces had dug holes every couple of hundred yards in which they'd piled grenades, mortars and other munitions. ... But under orders to reach Baghdad as quickly as possible, the marines rarely had a chance to remove, destroy or even mark the stockpiles. In one village, combat engineers (led by local children whom they had bribed with bags of Skittles candies) discovered an underground bunker crammed with dozens of sophisticated air-to-ground missiles. Yet higher-ups in the division insisted that there was no time to destroy them. The marines moved on, leaving the missiles unguarded. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Are You an Agent of Terror? Stanley Milgram's experiments on obedience to authority--sometimes referred to as the "shock" studies--are the most influential and controversial in modern social psychology. ... Milgram recruited a diverse group of psychologically normal adult men to participate in a laboratory experiment supposedly designed to measure the effects of punishment on learning. Each subject was given the role of teacher and instructed to ask another ostensible subject (actually a research assistant who was a confederate of the experimenter) a series of questions. The subject in the role of teacher was instructed to administer an electric shock each time the "learner" made an error, beginning with a mild 15 volts and progressing in 15-volt intervals up to an eventual 450 volts, which was clearly marked as extremely dangerous. Although no shocks were actually administered, the situation was orchestrated to appear terrifyingly realistic. Midway through the experiment, the confederate, who was in an adjoining room where he could be heard but not seen, screamed out that he was having a heart attack; eventually, he ceased responding altogether. If the subject resisted administering shocks, the experimenter urged him on with statements like "It is absolutely essential that you continue" and "You have no choice. You must go on." How many psychologically normal people would administer a 450-volt shock to someone who might be going into cardiac arrest as a result? When Milgram posed this question to others, the average estimate was no more than one in a hundred people. A group of psychiatrists guessed one in a thousand. ... Astonishingly, however, Milgram found that a full 65 percent of the men (26 out of 40) went to 450 volts. ... In a television interview in 1979, Milgram said that he eventually came to the conclusion that "If a system of death camps were set up in the United States of the sort we had seen in Nazi Germany, one would be able to find sufficient personnel [to operate] those camps in any medium-sized American town." The obedience studies indelibly changed our understanding of the Holocaust. In early explanations of the brutalities, Nazi leaders were demonized as pathological sadists and monsters. Hannah Arendt challenged this in her book "Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil," which depicted Adolf Eichmann as a conventional bureaucrat trying to further his career. Milgram, having seen ordinary people submit to authority in his experiments, concluded that Arendt's perspective "comes closer to the truth than one might dare imagine." He argued that "the most fundamental lesson" of his findings was that "ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Abortion Realities Fetal genetic tests are now routinely used to diagnose diseases as well known as cystic fibrosis and as obscure as fragile X, a form of mental retardation. ... Most couples say they are both profoundly grateful for the new information and hugely burdened by the choices it forces them to make. The availability of tests earlier in pregnancy mean that if they opt for an abortion it can be safer and less public. ... "But nobody's talking about it. Certainly not here in southeastern Virginia," where anti-abortion groups are so vocal. ... "People will come into my office in tears and say they've been against abortion their whole lives," [Dr. John Larsen, chairman of the department of obstetrics and gynecology at George Washington University Medical Center] said, "but they'll make an exception for themselves." ... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Groaners 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." "The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual." 9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." 13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Hop-Sing-Lee. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin. 14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Borowitz Report KERRY-GEPHARDT MEETING CREATES OMINOUS BLACK HOLE IN UNIVERSE Could Devour Earth, Scientists Fear A meeting between presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry and possible running mate Rep. Richard Gephardt (D-MO) has created a mysterious black hole in the universe that could eventually swallow Earth and all of its inhabitants, scientists said today. Dr. Carlton Hong, an astrophysicist at the University of Minnesota, said that shortly after the two top Democrats sat down to talk, "pools of extremely low energy began to form" creating "what can only be described as a creepy, black-hole-like vacuum." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Cool Websites Tugboat Hits Bridge http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Quotes on the Great Depression from Studs Terkel's Book "Black and white, it didn't make any difference who you were, 'cause everybody was poor. All friendly, sleep in a jungle [i.e., a hobo camp]. ... Twenty-five or thirty would be out on the side of the rail, white and colored. They didn't have no mothers or sisters, they didn't have no home, they were dirty, they had overalls on, they didn't have no food, they didn't have anything." "I saw a railroad police, a white police. They call him Texas Slim. He shoots you off all trains. We come out of Lima, Ohio . . . Lima Slim, he would kill you if he catch you on any train." "The shame I was feeling. I walked out [of my home] because I didn't have a job. I said, "I'm goin' out in the world and get me a job." And God help me, I couldn't get anything. I wouldn't let them see me dirty and ragged and I hadn't shaved. ... I'd write, "Dear Mother, I'm doin' wonderful and wish you're all fine." That was in Los Angeles and I was sleeping under some steps and there was some paper over me." "I was with a bunch of hoboes, drinkin' canned heat. I wouldn't eat two or three days, 'cause I was too sick to eat." "The poor people had it rough. The rich people was livin' off the poor." [Terkel asks: Did you find any kindness during the Depression?] "No kindness. Except for Callahan the hobo -- only reason I'm alive is 'cause Callahan helped me on that train. And the hobo jungle. Everybody else was evil to each other. There was no friendships. Everybody else was worried and sad looking. It was pitiful." "When tramps and hoboes would come to their door for food, the southern white people would drive them away. But if a Negro come, they will feed him." "They would hire Negroes for these type jobs where they wouldn't hire whites. They wouldn't hire a white woman to do housework, because they were afraid she'd take her husband." "The Negro woman who worked for the white woman would take food and wrap it in newspapers. Sometimes we would hurry down the alley and holler at 'im: "Hey, mister, come here!" ... Negroes would always feed these tramps." "The majority of people were hit and hit hard. They were mentally disturbed you're bound to know, 'cause they didn't know when the end of all this was comin'. There was a lot of suicides that I know of." "A lot of times one family would have some food. They would divide. And everyone would share." "It's different today. People are made to feel ashamed now if they don't have anything. Back then, I'm not sure how the rich felt. I think the rich were as contemptuous of the poor then as they are now. But among the people that I knew, we all had an understanding that it wasn't our fault." "That's one of the things about the Depression. There was more camaraderie than there is now. Even more comradeship than the Commies could even dream about. That was one of the feelings that America lost. People had different ideas, they disagreed with one another. But there was a fine feeling among them. You were in trouble . . . damn it, if they could help ya, they would help ya."