Catching Up: Best of 2004: February

This, like others in the series, is a re-presentation of the best items that I passed to friends in my personal newsletter. There were lots of those items, and I am under some time limits right now, so I am trying to catch up just one month at a time. So here are the best from February 2004. Note: these, and other postings, do not consistently seek to be politically correct. That said, they also do not go out of their way to be offensive. They simply reflect a perspective on everyday life that appears to be commonly appreciated among ordinary people. But if anyone wants to question or comment upon any of the posts in my blog, they are definitely invited to post responses in the appropriate space, below. * * * * * A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?" She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" * * * * * Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing smell for the Lord - Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am not allowed to have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Leviticus 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? [It goes on from there. But you get the idea.] * * * * * A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?" * * * * * If President Bush were a woman http://www.funsnap.com/1/bushgirl.swf * * * * * Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton has been called many things, a savvy politician, a devoted wife. But Men's Journal magazine is adding one more description to that list: Tough Guy. In its March issue, already on newsstands, the magazine publishes its annual list of "The 25 Toughest Guys in America" -- and Clinton weighs in at No. 25, just behind human crash test dummy Rusty Haight, who has been in 740 car wrecks. It's the first time Men's Journal has put a woman on the list, senior editor Tom Foster said. "I think just looking at what she's been through and what she represents, that sort of stood for itself," Foster said. "Would you mess with her?" [It's true. Here's the link:] http://www.mensjournal.com/feature/0403/toughguys.html * * * * * Lifetime estimates in women range from 7% to 17% for sexual assault, 3%-15% for rape, and as high as 30%-50% for sexual harassment. A history of sexual trauma (including sexual molestation, sexual assault or rape in either childhood or adulthood, and sexual harassment) is associated with (1) increased rates of psychopathology, (2) more frequent health problems, and (3) negative health behavior (i.e., behavior with a known negative impact on health outcomes). See http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/466545?mpid=24800 * * * * * In his new book, "The Pecking Order: Which Siblings Succeed and Why," to be published next month by Pantheon, [Dalton Conley, a sociologist and director of the Center for Advanced Social Science Research at New York University] turns conventional wisdom on its head, arguing that pronounced economic disparities lie not just between families but within them. His astonishing assertion: differences between families explain only 25 percent of the nation's income inequality; the remaining 75 percent is explained by differences between siblings. More typical of the United States than President Bush and his brother Jeb, the governor of Florida, he suggests, are the White House's previous tenant, Bill Clinton, and his half-brother, Roger, a college dropout, onetime cocaine dealer and failed musician. Or, for that matter, Jimmy Carter and his ne'er-do-well brother, Billy. * * * * * Whatever arguments there may be about the verisimilitude of Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ," one thing is certain: this Jesus is a Hollywood hunk who probably bears little resemblance to what the Jesus of history looked like. The title role is played by Jim Caviezel, a dark-haired, blue-eyed star whose brooding good looks have been compared to those of Montgomery Clift. He doesn't exactly fit the archaeological evidence that the average man of Jesus' day was about 5 feet 3 inches tall and a bantamlike 110 pounds. Given the harsh conditions, especially for working stiffs like the members of Jesus' family, combined with Jesus' ascetic lifestyle, which included walking everywhere, scholars agree that he was most likely a rather sinewy peasant, as tough as a root and about as appealing. * * * * * Apparent Republican contradictions to ponder: The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations should be trusted to make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for Governor of California as a Republican. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. * * * * * Next: (you guessed it) March 2004 ...