Sunday, February 1, 2009

Best of the Month, Three Years Ago

Here are the best items posted on my personal newsletter in January 2006: * * * * * Late-Night Political News from "Let's sum up the State of the Union for you -- we're in good shape, not as good as Exxon." --Jay Leno "President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch to watch the Super Bowl." -- Jay Leno "President Bush gave his State of the Union address. ... Did you notice, a lot of Republican congressmen were not applauding President Bush. It's hard when you're wearing handcuffs." --Jay Leno "I have to say I was a little disappointed. Not once did he apologize to Oprah for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Jay Leno "Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. President Bush said that Sam's got the intellect necessary to bring a lot of class to the court. You know, like the rest of the judges are sitting around in their underpants eating Cheetos." --Jay Leno "I'm sure you know by now Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics." --Jay Leno "Some of the other Oscar-nominated movies people are talking about, George Clooney's film, 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' If you haven't seen it, it's about the White House's Medicare plan for the elderly." --Jay Leno "Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'" --David Letterman "If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman "Muslim law condemns any artistic rendering of the prophet Mohammed, kind of like the Christian commandment against taking the lord's name in vain, or the unspoken Buddhist rule, try not to make him into a bong." --Jon Stewart "The president said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno "The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries." --Jon Stewart "In a 58-42 vote, the Senate confirmed Samuel Alito as the nation's next Supreme Court Justice, meaning if you want an abortion, you'd better hop to it." --Tina Fey "President Bush said that the American people are addicted to oil. To which Vice President Dick Cheney said, 'Not that there’s anything wrong with that.'" --Jay Leno "Do you believe we are addicted to oil? So basically when we invaded Iraq, we didn’t really mean anything, it was just the oil talking. We were under the influence of oil at the time. We just need a 12 step program and we could get out of Iraq." --Jay Leno "In Washington President Bush came out of the white house and saw his shadow...Cindy Sheehan." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton said this week that she doesn't agree with either the people who say we should be in Iraq or her friends who say we should be out. Thanks for clearing that up. Think she’s running for president? Even John Kerry said, "Pick a position!" --Jay Leno "Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow." --David Letterman "Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent." --Jay Leno "The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman "If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman "I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno "After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, "You big baby. I get those all the time. Walk it off." --Jay Leno "But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno "When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno "But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." --Jimmy Kimmel "Former FEMA director Michael Brown is testifying before a Senate panel today. He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there." --Jay Leno "The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?" --Jay Leno "An Arab country in charge of ports. That’s like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny." --David Letterman "Hillary Clinton said today she finds the administration's refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic." --Jay Leno "There's a new comic book where Batman goes after Osama Bin Laden. You thought radical Muslims hated cartoons before?" --Jay Leno "Actually, one awkward moment today in Washington. During the 21-gun salute, Dick Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney is on vacation. He's out in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and so far he has shot two skiers." --David Letterman "Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie." --David Letterman "Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher "Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher "People say Hillary Clinton has a brand new diamond ring, an enormous diamond ring. The last time anybody saw a rock that big, it was going through a window at the Danish embassy." --David Letterman "Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but were told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the 'hood?"-- Jay Leno "Cheney also admitted that he'd been drinking. He said he had one beer. Okay, it was a 40-ounce Colt .45, but just one." --Jay Leno "Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could, he'd give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up for it." --Jimmy Kimmel * * * * * Things I Have Learned from Children A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it). A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old. Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably don't want to know what that smell is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 60% of men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid. * * * * * Clippings There is a lot of good advice to help us avoid becoming fat, such as eat less and exercise. But if some researchers are right, you may soon be hearing a surprising new piece of advice: wash your hands. There is growing evidence that some viruses may cause obesity, thus making obesity contagious. When a lion killed Sierra the baboon, her mother reacted in a way that one could call human-like: she looked to friends for support, say researchers who studied the animals. The scientists found that baboons physiologically respond to bereavement in ways similar to humans, with an increase in stress hormones called glucocorticoids. Baboons can lower their glucocorticoid levels through friendly social contact, the researchers say. * * * * * Who's Going to Have the Money to Buy Your House? Americans' personal savings rate dipped into negative territory in 2005, something that hasn't happened since the Great Depression. Consumers depleted their savings to finance the purchases of cars and other big-ticket items. The Commerce Department reported Monday that the savings rate fell into negative territory at minus 0.5 percent, meaning that Americans not only spent all of their after-tax income last year but had to dip into previous savings or increase borrowing. The savings rate has been negative for an entire year only twice before - in 1932 and 1933 - two years when the country was struggling to cope with the Great Depression, a time of massive business failures and job layoffs. * * * * * Borowitz Report Excerpts In his first day at home since stepping down from his post as Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan made a series of cryptic, inscrutable pronouncements that left his wife, NBC's Andrea Mitchell, totally baffled. The former Fed chief was renowned for his confusing, often incomprehensible statements about the markets and the economy while testifying to Congress, but according to Ms. Mitchell, those remarks were "a piece of cake" to understand compared to the mixed messages he has been sending at home. The trouble began at the breakfast table, Ms. Mitchell said, when she asked the former Fed chief what he wanted to eat, a question which led to a serpentine 45-minute response. A court in Baghdad today found former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced him to serve a life term as President of Iraq. With the nation of Iraq on the brink of civil war, Saddam's judge said that being forced to serve as President of Iraq was the stiffest sentence he could hand down. * * * * * Websites of Note Escapa! You can do anything at Perpetual bubblewrap * * * * * Doctor Notes Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. She is numb from her toes down. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The skin was moist and dry. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Patient was alert and unresponsive. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.