Best of 2006: Excerpts from The Onion

HUNTSVILLE, AL – Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic Tuesday. SAN FRANCISCO — Citing poor U.S. sales, San Francisco-based Me Tees T-shirts announced Tuesday that nearly 30,000 of their cream-colored, green-lettered "Save Darfur" T-shirts will be donated to the children of Darfur. "Frankly, we thought this would be a more popular issue," a Mee Tees spokeswoman said. "If we can no longer make money on these T-shirts, we might as well do some good and send them to the poor, victimized Sudanese children." Due to their continued massive popularity in the industrialized world, no Che Guevara T-shirts will be donated to the stricken region. NORFOLK, VA — Pre-traumatic stress disorder, a future-combat-related psychological condition previously thought to afflict only young soldiers drafted against their will, is now found in growing numbers among National Guard members, Army, Navy, Marine, and Air Force reservists, semi-retired ... WASHINGTON, DC — After months of aggressive campaigning and with nearly 99 percent of ballots counted, politicians were the big winners in this month's midterm election, taking all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, retaining a majority with 100 out of 100 seats in the Senate, and pushing political candidates to victory in each of the 36 gubernatorial races up for grabs. MANAUS, BRAZIL — An international team of scientists conducting research in the Amazon River Basin announced the discovery of a formerly unknown primate species inhabiting a remote jungle area roughly 300 miles from Manaus Monday. According to scientists in Manaus, the new species, Ateles saporis, is "an amazing biological find" and "incredibly delectable."