Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Best of 2006: Late-Night Political News

"A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan." --Jay Leno "The Democrats said they have a plan to find the leader of al Qaeda. Find the leader of al Qaeda? They don't even have a plan to find the leader of the Democrats." --Jay Leno "This is what I don't get about this. They've got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico." --Jay Leno "President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself." --Jay Leno "In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well, yeah, if you count New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Senate leaders announced they made a huge breakthrough in reforming immigration laws. Then the senators adjourned early so they could drop their illegal nannies at the bus stop." --Conan O'Brien "Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt -- kind of like his approval rating. ... Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim." --Jay Leno "President Bush is now being accused of leaking classified information. I was stunned. I was shocked. I said to myself, 'Wait, they let this guy see classified information?" --David Letterman, "The White House will celebrate Passover. That's when President Bush will take a secret, classified document and pass it over to a reporter." --Jay Leno "President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman "In the editorial, Arnold complains that too many immigrants are sneaking into the country and becoming governors." --Conan O'Brien, on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's editorial in the Wall Street Journal "Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads-up." --Jay Leno "A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq." --Jay Leno "President Bush issued an Easter proclamation that said, 'This is a season of renewal and for remembering that hope overcomes despair.' Then he said, 'And let's not forget those delicious marshmallow peeps.'" --Conan O'Brien "It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman "The president of Iran has announced, 'We are a nuclear country.' ... You know what's scary about that? The president of Iran knows how to pronounce nuclear." --David Letterman "They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno "But not all the generals are against [Rumsfeld]. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno "During a Pentagon briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said we're making progress and we're very close to capturing some high ranking officials. Unfortunately they are all retired U.S. generals." --Jay Leno "The Department of Homeland Security announced they will be ready to deal with hurricanes in the future. Like today, they called their cable company and ordered the Weather Channel." --Jay Leno "I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." --Jay Leno "The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, 'Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will.' I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans." --Bill Maher "The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno "The stock market is the highest its been in five years. The Heinz Ketchup stock went up so much this week that John Kerry fell in love with his wife all over again" --Jay Leno "To give you an idea about how expensive gas is, this morning I carpooled in with Letterman." --Jay Leno "They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." --Jay Leno "In his latest audio tape Osama bin Laden says that the Bush administration is evil, it has made up excuses to attack Iraq, and is obsessed with Middle Eastern oil. If Osama bin Laden keeps talking like that he could wind up the Democratic frontrunner." --Jay Leno "John Kerry said this week he's thinking about running for president again, but he hasn't made up his mind as of yet. Well, that should put an end to rumors that he's indecisive." --Jay Leno "According to a German health research firm, up to 70% of Germans say they are depressed. And they also found that one of the best things for depression is going for a long walk. That's got to make Poland a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno "In a speech this week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said America needs to work together to conserve oil. Then Arnold lit a cigar and drove over the crowd in his Hummer." --Conan O'Brien "When President Bush was in New Orleans, he said 'We pray there is no hurricane coming this year.' This is what we call faith-based disaster planning." --Jay Leno "California now has the most expensive gas prices. Gas is so expensive now that drivers are shooting themselves instead of each other. It's affecting a lot of people. You just wait for the Indy 200 at the end of May." --Jay Leno "Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Most popular member of the administration. That's like being MVP of the Knicks." --David Letterman "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. The surprise is that he's still the secretary of defense, I guess." --Jay Leno "It's sad, really. I mean, I remember a time when the CIA would assassinate heads of state, install puppet governments. If you wanted a coup, they were number one on your speed dial. Nowadays, most mental patients don't even think the CIA are the ones who put microchips in their brain. They don't think they can pull it off. Now they blame professional hockey. It's just embarrassing" --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee "Patrick Kennedy crashed his car and said he doesn't remember anything about the accident, except a huge sense of relief when he came to and he wasn't soaking wet." --Bill Maher "This is a bit of a scandal. The police at the scene did not give him a sobriety test, and they gave him a ride home. I'm not saying he got special treatment, but they also tucked him into bed and put a trash can next to it in case he had to throw up." --Bill Maher "Porter Goss the head of the CIA resigned suddenly amid rumors that it has something to do with a floating party that's been going on at the Watergate hotel for years, which involves congressman, lobbyists, defense contractors, and hookers. This is why you don't want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker -- she might fall in with a bad crowd." --Bill Maher "Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno "NBC News reported that CIA Director Porter Goss did not resign. They now say he was fired, and apparently didn't know it was coming. Which is pretty bad, when you're the head of the CIA and you didn't know what's coming. He should get fired just for that." --Jay Leno "According to a national response plan, the U.S. government forecasts massive disruption if bird flu rises, with as much as 40% of the national workforce off the job. It's called the 'Holy God, what the hell is going on? What do you mean Jim's dead? Everyone shut up. I need to think. Are you coughing? Oh great, now we're all dead' plan." --Amy Poehler "Mexican President Vicente Fox changed his mind and announced he will not sign a bill legalizing cocaine, heroin and marijuana. He's worried about too many Americans illegally crossing his borders." --Jay Leno Jon Stewart, on past White House comments that Americans shouldn't change their energy consumption habits because the American lifestyle is "a blessed one" with "a bounty of resources": "If it's so blessed, why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?" "There's a guy in Washington, D.C. ... and he's searching through garbage and he finds a copy of President Bush's travel plans. ... Why don't we put this guy in charge of looking for bin Laden?" --David Letterman "Mother's Day is ... the busiest long distance phone calling day of the year. Over 300 million long distance calls. And those are just the ones being monitored by the White House." --Jay Leno "President Bush said he'd like to see his brother, Jeb, become president. Great campaign slogan -- 'Jeb Bush: Couldn't do any worse.'" --Jay Leno "The president said his brother Jeb 'would be a great president.' I guess we voted for the wrong one then." --Jimmy Kimmel "A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno "As I'm sure you know by know, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. That's what he said, he said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." --Jay Leno "The president of Iran sent George Bush an 18-page letter. ... 18 pages? Yeah, like he's going to read that." --David Letterman "The bird flu movie, here's what it is, the bird flu is coming, and government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Hard to imagine. Where do they get this stuff?" --David Letterman "Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college kids 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from TV.'" --Conan O'Brien "A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him." --Jay Leno "A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans." --Bill Maher "I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was happy with my long distance surveillance." --Bill Maher "The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of tens of millions of ordinary Americans. I just don't think Bush gets it. When people say these days that we need more intelligence in the White House, they're talking about something completely different." --Bill Maher "A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time." --Jay Leno "Dick Cheney says he does expect to go hunting again. Of course, no guarantee he'll bag another lawyer" --Jay Leno "In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey "As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno "The Senate voted 63 to 34 to make English the official language of the United States, but they say as a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know, kind of like that ethics bill." --Jay Leno "Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but 'possibly'? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno "A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey "Kenyan Muslims believe that a five-and-a-half pound tuna caught in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Mombasa, carries a message from Allah written among its scales. In a related story, this doctor [shows a picture of Bill Frist] doesn't think doesn't think condoms stop AIDS. And that's this week's edition of 'Religion Gone Nuts'" --Tina Fey "A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler "Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien "Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There'" --Conan O'Brien "Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, 'that's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?'" --David Letterman "According to a poll Americans say they trust Democrats more than Republicans to deal with Iraq, the economy, immigration and other issues. In fact, if the election were held today ... John Kerry would still lose" --Jay Leno "I guess Vicente Fox wanted to get here before we tighten the immigration laws. ... Even though President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton called for Americans to save gas by returning to the 55 mile per hour speed limit. ... I'm not going to believe she's serious about saving gas until I see her and Bill actually drive somewhere together in the same car." --Jay Leno "Let's see what's new with New Jersey Governor Jim 'Keep On Truckin' McGreevy. ... Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he said he used to cruise highway rest stops looking to have anonymous sex with gay truckers. ... At what point do you stop having anonymous sex at truck stops and say to yourself I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor?" --Jay Leno "This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert ... has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno "Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno "Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno "President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien "The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman "A group called Orgasm for Peace is trying to promote peace by trying to have everyone in the world have an orgasm at the same time on Dec. 22. To prepare for the Dec. 22 orgasm, women are starting now, and men will be notified two minutes ahead of time." --Conan O'Brien "Long-time congressional leader Charles Rangel has announced he wants to bring back the draft. This could get a lot more guys signing up for ROTC. I was in ROTC -- Run Off to Canada." --Jay Leno "President Bush's very busy. ... Yesterday, he went to Ho Chi Minh City. Unfortunately, when Bush addressed the crowd he said, 'Greetings, hoes.' Actually, this is the first time President Bush has visited Vietnam. ... Afterwards, the President said, 'It's nice here. I don't know what John McCain's talking about." --Conan O'Brien "The FDA lifted the ban on silicon breast implants. One thing about those Democrats, they don't waste any time. They promised us change for the better, hey, we got it. Sounds like a return to the Clinton era. Hooters' stock went up six dollars a share." --Jay Leno "There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman "President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. ... Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together!" --Jay Leno "Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia." --Jon Stewart "There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. ... If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000." --Jay Leno "The president's twin daughters are celebrating their 25th birthday with a trip to Argentina. Apparently their trip has caused what's known as chaos, to the point where, according to ABCNews.com, the American embassy and many Argentinian officials have strongly suggested the twins return to America. Just to repeat, Argentina, former safe-haven for Nazi war criminals, is drawing the line at the Bush twins." --Jon Stewart "The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term 'explosion-filled misunderstanding." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think he'd make a fine president. He'd be standing up there with his 18 first ladies." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman "Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez greeted a crowd of supporters by telling lame jokes and making cruel remarks about President Bush. I'm sorry, that was the Barbara Streisand concert." --Jay Leno "Former evangelist James Dobson says he wants to work on the panel that's going to help his friend Ted Haggert go from being gay to not gay, but he says the process could take 4-5 years, and he says he doesn't have the time. See I would love to be on that panel, teaching the guy how not to be gay. What, are you going to strip clubs all day? Having all your lunches at Hooters?" --Jay Leno "Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war, it's Henry Kissinger." --Jay Leno "The Iraq Study Group report came out today ... and was released as a book this morning. And after only a few hours, it soared to number 18 on Amazon's best seller list. They even got President Bush to buy a copy because they called it 'Harry Potter and the Iraq Study Group.'" --Conan O'Brien "It is in book form and entitled, 'The Way Forward -- A New Approach,' a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, 'Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug.'" --Jon Stewart "Today was the first and only day of confirmation hearings for [Rumsfeld's] replacement, Robert Gates. ... The committee immediately confirmed the guy. They really only had one question: Are you now or have you ever been Donald Rumsfeld? He said, 'No.' ... He showed them his driver's license and utility bill, and boom, they confirmed him." --Stephen Colbert "I don't think President Bush understands these things. When they told President Bush that Dick Cheney's gay daughter was pregnant, he said, 'It's a Christmas miracle.'" --Jay Leno "They say Hillary Clinton is starting to get a little paranoid because a lot of Democratic Party leaders are getting behind Barack Obama's run for the presidency. Hillary's worried it might be part of a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno "Conservative columnist Dennis Prager this week blasted Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison, the first Muslim elected to Congress, for his decision to take the oath of office with his hand on a Koran instead of a Bible. Like this guy did [on screen: Tom DeLay]. Or this guy [on screen: Mark Foley]. Or this guy [on screen: Richard Nixon]. All bibles." --Seth Myers "Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack announced he is running for president in 2008. Vilsack will face questions on national security, tax cuts, and who the hell he is." --Conan O'Brien "The White House does not yet believe Iraq is in a civil war, though they did concede that a conflict has entered a new phase. And it rhymes with 'muster bluck.'" --Amy Poehler "A trainer at Sea World Adventure Park in San Diego was hospitalized Thursday after a killer whale grabbed him and twice held him under water during the show. On the bright side, the trainer did give up locations of three al Qaeda hideouts." --Seth Myers "In Illinois a mental patient went on trial for threatening to castrate President Bush. He was sentenced to 7 months in prison but a federal judge let him go because you can't lock people up for threatening to castrate the president. If you could, Hillary would have been in Leavenworth 15 years ago." --Jay Leno [These were selected from the long list provided by About.com.]