Monday, May 5, 2008

Catching Up: Best of 2004: September & October

Here's another installment in the continuing effort to distill the best postings from my personal mailing list. These are from September 2004. * * * * * Things to Look Forward to: Beijing Olympics 2008 Here are the top comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics [2004] that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." * * * * * Late-Night Political News from "Pundits are saying that Kerry's message is garbled. You know you're doing badly when you're running against Bush and you're the one who is garbled." --David Letterman "In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National Guard." --Jay Leno "That's quite a claim that Bush did coke and marijuana. You know who's going to get hurt by this? John Kerry. This means Bush could now carry California." --Jay Leno "President Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery over the weekend and is recovering nicely. The doctors told him he can resume having sex in about two weeks. And Hillary said, 'If he does, I'll kill him.'" -- David Letterman "In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before-and-after ad for Prozac." --Jay Leno "I thought it was a pretty good debate. Both candidates got to dodge a range of issues." --David Letterman "The candidates were asked if they thought homosexuality was a choice. John Kerry said it isn't. Good thing he doesn't think it's a choice. Otherwise, he'd still be trying to make up his mind." --Jay Leno "The third presidential debate asked the most important question of all – which of these guys do I hate the least?" --Jay Leno "There's a new three strikes and you're out policy. But enough about President Bush in the debates. Let's move on." "Bad news for Ralph Nader. Today the state of Ohio rejected Ralph Nader's attempt to get on the ballot. Experts say this will hurt Nader's chances of losing all 50 states." --Conan O'Brien "Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that to avoid any election return problems in Florida this year, this time he is going to announce the results before people go to vote." --Jay Leno "The latest polls say Bush and Kerry are in a dead heat. Reuters' three-day tracking poll says it's tied at 45 percent; the CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll has it 49 percent Kerry and 48 percent Bush. In an election this close, it's gonna come down to who wants it more and which candidate's brother is governor of Florida." -- Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush and Vice President Cheney have officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And today the soldiers in Iraq said, uh, can we come home now?" --Jay Leno "There are photographs of President Bush from the first debate and he's got some kinda lump in the back of his coat, and the rumors are flying that he had a special radio receiver and he was getting answers from someone off stage. Wow, it's like he's back at Yale." — David Letterman "President Bush's approval rating has now dropped down to 47 percent. You know that lump on his back? Well, it's moved to his throat." -- Jay Leno "Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that 'Al Gore's just mad because God made me president.'" --Jay Leno "They're doing the early voting in Florida and there are already irregularities in the early Florida voting. You know it's sad when the voting goes smoother in Afghanistan than it does in Florida." -- David Letterman "Ralph Nader said he has no intention of leaving the presidential race. It's not so much he wants to stay in the race. It's just that he has nowhere else to go." --Jay Leno "It's the last minute of the campaign and both candidates are using fear tactics. And honest to God, my fear is that one of them will actually get elected." --David Letterman * * * * * In a recent study, the strongest predictors for future suicidal behavior were a history of a previous suicide attempt, a higher subjective rating of their depressive symptoms, and a history of cigarette smoking. * * * * * Websites of Note Weapons of Mass Destruction The Candidates, in Drag