Thursday, March 26, 2009

Best of the Month, Three Years Ago

Here are the best items posted on my personal newsletter in March 2006: * * * * * Late-Night Political News from "President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien "Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now." --Jay Leno "An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman "Bush is not backing down. He says if this deal doesn't go through, it's going to be a slap in the face to the Arabs, which is amazingly ironic because we have four guys in Guantanamo Bay whose specific job is to slap Arabs in the face." --Bill Maher "In South Dakota, they have banned pretty much all abortions. Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota." --Bill Maher "This week, the United States Military Academy announced it had discovered an al Qaeda employment contract, detailing the benefits of joining the group. Membership does have its privileges. Married males receive 6500 rupees and a week's vacation for every three weeks work. Wow, it sounds like there's no downside! Oh, wait, the retirement plan." --Jon Stewart "This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey "Even Tom DeLay is saying this port deal is a big mistake. He said if the people of Dubai want to be involved in our government, they should do it through proper channels and write me a big giant campaign check." --Jay Leno "Anna Nicole Smith told the Supreme Court she wanted them to know about her relationship with her oil-tycoon husband and about that magic night when he said those three little words to her: "I can't breathe." "Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened here?'" --Conan O'Brien "The Oscars were seen in over 100 countries, two of which don't hate us." --Jay Leno "George Clooney won for Syriana, which was about the CIA and what people will do for oil. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, a love story." --Jay Leno "We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished." --Jay Leno "The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. ... Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno "It's also spring break in Iraq. It's kinda like here, half of them getting bombed, half of them getting stoned." --Jay Leno "Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno "In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover" during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat. Powdered milk and tuna? How many would rather have the bird flu?" --Jay Leno "On Saturday at the Hague, Slobodan Milosevic [leader of Serbia during the Serb invasion of Bosnia] died. Despot, madman, husband, father? He will be, uh, buried." --Jon Stewart "Do you think it's too soon to be hitting on Mrs. Milosevic?" --David Letterman "Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey "Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler "More people, particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. Yeah, apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency thing than just not getting blown." --Bill Maher "The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the 'morning-after' contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart." --Bill Maher "There are two sides in Iraq right now fighting. The side that hates us and the side that really hates us." --David Letterman "Chile's New President , Michelle Bachelet is her name... She is a single mother, a socialist and an agnostic. In this country not only could she not be elected president, but her phone would be tapped by the FBI." --Bill Maher "According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything." --Jay Leno "This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o-Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno "The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bad news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300." --Jay Leno "This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno "Have you been watching the Senate debating the immigration bill? It's great. Every time somebody says 'undocumented worker,' Ted Kennedy does a tequila shot." --David Letterman "The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. ... Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill Maher * * * * * Newspaper Headlines Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice for the same Crime Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung William Kelly Was Fed Secretary Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Farmer Bill Dies in House Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Prostitutes Appeal to Pope NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests Miners Refuse to Work After Death Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While War Dims Hope for Peace Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation * * * * * Websites of Note Chris Bliss Juggling Finale For the Oscars: Examples of Honest Acceptance Speeches Sheik Reda Shata of Brooklyn